I have been thinking a lot recently about the person I used to be. Looking through old pictures, all which would be great candidates for a "throw back Thursday" pick, end up making me a little sad and I never get to posting them.
Life was so carefree then, even in college. The problems I thought were "huge" are nothing compared to the fears and problems I face now as a wife and mother. There is so much more weight attached to those titles.
Sometimes I find myself getting lost in old pictures and videos, wishing I could rewind time and live those moments all over again. I want to shake myself and say "Live it up! Don't let this moment slip by you so quickly!"
Life is ever-changing, so in the same respect, things cannot stay the same. I think that is something that is universally hard to deal with--growing older, wishing you could have done more, enjoyed your youth a little more.
I know it sounds like I'm 80 and talking about "back in my day..". But when I became a mother, I had to grow up and leave my carefree youth behind. So, yes, sometimes it does sound like I'm 80. And, sometimes I have the schedule to match- bed at 8:00 sounds fantastic, thank you very much! Quiet dinner in with my husband, relaxing on the couch in an over-sized t-shirt, catching up on our weekly shows = my perfect Friday night.
It is kind of pathetic, that last paragraph I typed. My old high school and college self would have never thought at 26 I would be this much of a home-body. But, I am. Life is just... different now.
Don't get me wrong. I am so happy! It is a happiness that I never even knew existed until I became a mom.
But, I feel as if I had to trade in somethings to get that happiness in exchange.
Some of my life trades so far-
* hour long phone calls to friends to catch up on the latest gossip ---> face time with grandparents and family members so they can see the baby
*hangovers ----> Diaper changes (I think they both suck equally actually)
*Being skinny and tan ----> not skinny or tan
*Staying out all night -----> the earlier in bed, the better!
*Going out to eat ----> forgetting to eat a meal and settling for a handful of baby puffs
*Going to the movies -----> finishing a movie two days later after having to pause it so many times
*Blasting music in the car and singing ----> singing "itsy bitsy spider" and "Old Mc Donald" on repeat
*Getting excited about new episodes of shows I like-----> getting excited when there is finally a new episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on
*Being alone- never being alone (that one is probably my favorite, I love always having Anthony around to keep me company and make me smile!)
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong, and instead of exchanging in those parts of my old life I could still enjoy them in moderation. Maybe other moms have it all figured out, and I am left looking like a hot mess that cant seem to juggle it all. If you're one of those moms, please let me know your secret!
I would love more than anything to have a girls night again. I can't even remember the last time that happened. The night before my wedding? I don't know...
It's hard for me to see the distance growing between all of my friendships that once consumed me. I guess it was just a different time then, and maybe I'm not alone in feeling this change so deeply.
Most changes in life happen without you even noticing. Those gradual changes fade into something else right before your eyes and you don't realize until you take a second to reminisce about how things used to be.
Somethings in my life I don't want to fade away. And, I feel as if I am the one to blame for letting them.
I honestly had an entirely different post in mind when I had the idea to sit down and write during Anthony's nap. However, as usual, I was distracted when I first got to the computer and went to Facebook instead. I took a good chunk of time scanning the old pictures and videos that make up my past. These pictures are my history, they are the reason I am who I am today. I think I had to go through each of those stages in my life to end up here. And, for that, I am so thankful.
All I know is, I am going to enjoy these moments and memories I am making now, with my family! And, I will try a little harder to bring back some of the old things that used to make me happy too. Balance is key! Maybe someday soon I will figure out how it all works.
I leave you with the thing that makes me MOST happy of all- my little baby man's adorable face.
|No big deal- just a little opera practice in the back yard.|