One

1:53.  

At 1:53 on this day last year, my whole world changed.

I have been anticipating 1:53 coming with a heavy, fast pounding heart, and it’s here… today.  

Someone has pressed the fast forward button on my life, and I want it to stop… at least for these last few hours. I want time to slow down, if only just for today. I am afraid that if I turn around too quickly he will be a little bit taller, he will have grown out of those bite-able chunky legs, he won’t want to hold and squeeze my fingers while eating a bottle anymore, that he will be more independent and not need my help…. I just wish he could stay my baby forever!

That moment, of when Anthony came into the world, has been on my mind every day for the past year. Each day I relive it, and some days I let it take over and I completely get lost in the memory of that emotional day. I get angry at myself for feeling it all over again, and I feel guilty for ever feeling it in the first place. But, most days, I get stronger… I look back at that day with a new found courage. I am able to accept my natural honest feelings that surrounded that day, and can push forward. Each day it gets easier to leave the memory of those feelings in the past, but I know they will always live with me. They are the words that make up the beginning of a beautiful story, our story. I can’t change what happened and how it was written, I can only embrace the overwhelming feeling of love that I have for Anthony today. I only have the power to change the now. And I want to make every moment from here on out positive, each day overflowing with joy and love. Anthony deserves it. 

 It's hard to remember everything about this day last year, most of it seems like a bad dream. The way he was welcomed into this world, and the way the nurses told us about him having Down syndrome were both horrible. If you would have asked me then what my son's first year would entail, I don't think I could have even answered. I was so scared. In that moment I honestly thought it was all over. I was nervous for Anthony's future, and I was torn at how to break the news to family and friends. I never could have imagined what his first year really had in store and how amazing it was going to be...

 I should have never doubted the unconditional love from family and friends that quickly surrounded us. Their support and love has kept me floating when I felt like I was drowning. I owe all my sanity to our amazing family, friends, and community. Anthony is lucky to grow up with people all around him who will have his back no matter what. I can honestly say I am not scared for Anthony's future anymore. And for that, I am thankful. I can breathe knowing that no matter where life takes us, it's going to be okay. We will be loved. Anthony will be loved.

Anthony's first year was filled with such happiness. He has made me proud each and every day. I am so lucky to be his mom. This little boy has already accomplished so much in just his first year of life, I can't wait to see what this next year will bring.

So, bring on 1:53- I think I am as ready as I will ever be. I will be watching the clock all day waiting for it to happen, because when it does I am going to shower Anthony with all of the hugs and kisses he deserved this time last year. This year I am going to make up for it. I am going to celebrate his birthday with a full heart and with more love than I could have ever imagined. 

I am going to end this post with a letter to Anthony. 

Dear Bubs, 

Happy Birthday! You are Mama's favorite little man. I can't believe you are one today. Where has the time gone? On this day last year, you came into this world, and quickly made your way into my heart. And in just a year's time you have completely taken it over, my heart is yours. You have changed my life in ways you may never understand.  I feel so honored and blessed to be your mom. Especially today. When I look back on what an amazing year we had, it only makes me smile. Every day has been a new adventure, and I have enjoyed every second of it with you. You are such an amazing little boy, and you're showing the world just how wonderful you are. One day you're going to change the world, I know it's possible. You have already touched so many lives around you. Anthony, I want you to know that I will always be there for you. No matter how hard life might seem, you will always have your Mama. You can accomplish absolutely anything you put your mind to. And, whatever you choose to do in life, I will be right there at your side cheering you on the whole way. You're perfect. I love everything about you. Thank you for making me a Mama, and for showing me a much better world than I knew existed. I love you so much. Happy Birthday little man! 

Forever yours,

Mama

*Later tonight I hope to find time to post the pictures of Anthony's birthday party last weekend, so look out for that!